"Doing God" and avoiding bedtime

Audrey was refusing to go to bed. Kept getting out, peeking around the corner...running back into bed before her dad could catch her. You know the drill.

Or he'd sneak up on her and she'd be on her knees, playing with crap sitting on the shelves of her headboard. One of these times, he startled her:

MT: "Audrey!"
AT: "I'm PRAYING"
MT: "You're done praying. Go to sleep."
AT: said defiantly... "But I'm not done doing God."

With a dead serious face...

Me: Audrey, your feet stink
Auddie: Then don't smell them

While watching Scooby-Doo

"Dad, why didn't they call it Scooby Do Not?"

"B.I.P."

Yesterday I got a note from Auddie’s teacher that says she’s the class’ first VIP next week. I still remember how excited I was when we did this in 3rd grade. And how I told everyone I was born in Walla Walla because I knew I came from somewhere that started with “W.” Anyhoo…I digress.

So I told Auddie about the VIP-ness and she was thrilled. As we passed other kids in the hallway, she’d stop them and say, “Hey, so-and-so, know what? I’m a Berry Important Person next week!” And they’d just stare at her blankly and continue walking.

Big Brother

Audrey, Austin and I were sitting in our living room. I asked Austin if he'd seen the Big Brother finale and, if so, did he like who won.

Austin said that it was a girl he liked because she was funny.

Audrey then asked, "But is she loveable?"

Put up your money

I can't remember why I gave Auddie $1 and then my friend, Amy, gave her another $1. But Auddie loved it. She slept with the money next to her and then brought it and her blanket downstairs the next morning.

As she sat on the couch playing with it, I said, "Auddie, you need to put your money up."

She obediently raised her right hand clutching the money.

I realized she'd just put it "up."

Bad day

In the car after school...

Auddie: Ugggghhh! I had such a bad day.
Me: Why? What happened?
Auddie: I couldn't do cartwheels.

Going part-time

I told Auddie the other day that beginning next month, I'd be able to pick up her and Nina earlier in the day.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because I want to spend more time with you guys," I said.

She let out a big sigh, then said, "Does this mean we'll have to wear badges?"

Welcome to a Hanford family.

Pre-school

Me: What's your favorite thing about pre-school?
Auddie: The kitchen.

Hannah Montana

In the car one day, Audrey asked, "Mom, what is life?"

I sighed, and then began..."It's who you are, what you do, it's everything day-to-day."

Audrey: So what does "I want my life back" mean?

Me: Audrey, where did you hear that? Hey...was it on the Hannah Montana movie you watched with Grace this morning?

Audrey: Maybe. How'd you know?

Allie the Alligator

Audrey started preschool. As she colored a big B for her homework, I read a letter from her teacher to the parents about what the kids learned the previous week--the letter A.

The teacher asked parents to ask the kid what Allie the Alligator says. I'm sure the response was supposed to be something that sounded like a short A, with maybe some alligator snap-jaw motion with your hand.

But Audrey's reply: "I dunno. She's talking on her cell phone."

My boss

My boss and I were working on a project and had to meet earlier than usual one morning. I stopped for a coffee, so I got her one, too. I then called her cell to tell her...Audrey, of course listened to the conversation.

"Mom, who was that?"
"My boss."
"Oh, what does she do?"
"She helps tell me what to do at work."
"Oh,...you mean like bringing her coffee."


A couple of days later

"Mom, did your boss teach you not to cross the street when cars are coming?"

Audrey's pillow talk at 3:00 a.m.

Audrey crawled into bed with us--coughing, as well as monsters, woke her up. I went to the kitchen to get her cough medicine and she whispered this to Michael, "Why do boys have to have them shirts off when them go to bed?”

The prize when I married her Dad

“Mom, did dad stand with the ‘prize’ when you walked down the aisle when you got married?”
“The prize? What do you mean, Auddie?”
“You know, the man who stands up there and marries you guys.”
“Oh. You mean the priest.”

World Traveler at 4

I told Audrey this morning, “Only 3 days and you get to go to the cabin!” (going with her Papa D. & Grandma J.--it's a big, big deal)

She replied, “Yeah, ‘cause I wanna see the world. Right, Mom?”
Me: "Right, hun."

Chewelah, Wash. Check.

Ree-cy-cl-ing...a casual conversation in the car

AT: Mom, we need to ree-cy-cle, right? Plastic bottles go in plastic bottle ree-cy-cling, paper cups go in paper cup ree-cy-cling…

Me: Yep, because we need to take care of the Earth

AT: Yeah, the Earth. We don’t want it broke. Cause if it’s broke, we have to sleep in outerspace…and then we’d have to wear outerspace outfits. That wouldn’t be fun.

Running

Audrey has interesting "form" when she runs--probably because she likes to wave at people while she's doing it. I offered her a tip:

Me: Audrey, if you bend your elbows and do this (motion here), you'll run faster.

AT: No, that makes my head hurt. 

Don't think about it

As we're leaving the store with a grocery cart full of stuff and Nina is getting crabby, Audrey says, "Mom! I have to go potty NOW."

Me: Oh man, Audrey. I'll hurry home. We can't take this cart into the bathroom.
AT: Ok

In the car, she's physically "holding herself," and saying "Mom...hurry!"
Me: I am. Don't think about it, Auddie.
AT: What do you mean "don't think about it?"
Me: Just don't think about having to go potty. Think about something else.

2 min later, almost home.
AT: Mom, I'm not thinking about it. I promise.
Then turns to Nina and says, "I have to pee. I have to pee. I have to pee. Do you have to pee, too, Nina?"

But God made us that way

Me: Audrey, stop picking your nose
AT: But I have boogers. ...... God made us that way, Mom.

The Flu

Mom, Zachary has the "flute"

As she took off her princess dress up clothes

AT: Mom, I don't wanna be a princess anymore...I just wanna be a human.

On construction in Pasco

Me: Wow, look at this new road the construction people built, Audrey.
AT: Oh. Does it feel good?

Audrey & manners

"You have to ooze (use) your manners to get what you want. Right, Mom?"

Audrey talks about China

AT: “Mom, know what? When the flowers are pretty and colorful, it’s like China.”
Me: “China? How do you know about China?”
AT: “Jackie went on a loooong trip to China.” (Jackie is one of her teachers, Mom) “Do you want to go to China, Mom? You can wear my seatbelt. I went to China when I was a baby.”
Me: “No you didn’t, Auddie. You’ve never been to China.”
AT: big smile.

Exchange between Grace and Auddie

AT: Mom, what comes after Easter?
Me: Mother’s Day…then Father’s Day…then your birthday!
AT: I wanna princess party.
Me: You already had one of those. I thought you wanted Dora.
AT: No…I changed my mind.
Me: Do you want it at a gym, the Children’s Museum, or at home?
AT: I dunno. Gracie, where are you going to have your birthday party?
GT: I don’t know.
AT: You can have it at ‘nastics, the Children’s Museum, Zachary’s house, Kendall’s house (these are Auddie’s friends)…
GT: Um, no thanks.
AT: Are you gonna have a princess party, Gracie? Or a Hannah Montana party? Or High School Musical?
GT: Um, I’m not having a theme, Audrey.

What Audrey calls "floss"

Teeth string

...and she rinses with Wash Mouth

She also sits in her Seat Car.

Audrey and Zach talk about the "Tooth Fairy"

Audrey: Hey, Zach, you wanna see my loose tooth (she doesn't have one, but she moves her finger back and forth over it as if she does)

Zach: I have one, too (no, he doesn't)

Audrey: Did the Fairy Godmother (she meant Tooth Fairy!) come visit you, then?

July 2009

While watching So You Think You Can Dance...

"Her hair is NOT beautiful."

November 2008

My friend/cubicle-mate, Jonna, helped me with the girls last night because I had a photoshoot. Jonna took them to gymnastics and then picked up dinner on the way home. She’s hears my Auddie/GT stories every day (and she’s had dinner with us, so she’s met Auddie & Nina), but to spend quality time with them – in a car, no less – is completely different. Here’s a taste of what she got:

GT: Who won the Governor’s race?
GT: What city do you live in?
AT: Dodo lives in Richland (Dodo is her imaginary friend and Jonna, fortunately, already knew about him)
AT: What are stoplights? Why do we have to stop?
GT: Have you seen that puppet show that’s on YouTube?
AT: I got a shot. And I cut my finger.

Audrey talks with "Ed," the window repairman

Ed arrived this morning to repair a window upstairs; Audrey was fascinated. She waved to him and said, "Hi Ed." As she sat and ate her waffles, she shouted to him, "Ed, what are doing." He replied, "I'm fixing your window." She said, "are you going to make it feel better?" "Yes," said Ed. Then Ed went through the window and onto the roof, making his job even more interesting to Audrey.

Again, she shouted, "Ed, are you on our roof? Did you know Santa Claus goes on our roof, too?" Then she rambled..."...yeah, but he fell off the roof..." which she got from last year's obsession with the movie Santa Clause.

October 2008

Mom, can I say darnit?
Yes, but only if something bad happens.
Mona said I can’t say darnit at school.
Oh, well, then you can’t say it at school. How about saying “oops” instead?
Noooo (she whines)…I wanna say darnit!
When Gracie was 3 she said “oh, pickles.” How about that?
(after laughing, she gets serious) No, I wanna say darnit.

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Can I say bum-bum?
Yes, but only when you’re in the bathroom or referring to your bum. You don’t use it to call people names.
Can I say bum-bum head?
No, that’d be calling someone a name.
Can I say bum-bum pants?
Well, that doesn’t make any sense, so you shouldn’t say it.
But I wanna say bum-bum-pants! (she whines, again).

Sigh, life is so tough as a 3 year old.

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Her out-of the-blue statement:

“Neenie is a turd.”

September 2008

On Sat, Grace had her cousins over to celebrate her b-day. Before we left to get them, Audrey announced, "I'm gonna get this party started. I'll go get the GREE-DEE-ENTS." Michael asked, "the what?" And after a few attempts, we realized she was saying INGREDIENTS, which are plates, napkins and cups. :-)

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Today in the car she said excitedly (as if realizing it for the first time), "Mom, Nina doesn't eat from your boobies anymore! She's a big girl!"

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Today Nina got to sit forward-facing in the carseat, so Audrey said to her, "You're big now Nina. You're 3!"

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"I wanna be nice." Says this when she's told she can't have something because of her attitude.

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"I wanna pay with gwoo." (I wanna play with glue)

Even More December 2008

I was painting Auddie’s nails last night and she said, “I like you, Mommy.” Then she puckered up for a kiss. Afterward, she said shyly, “I think we’re married.”

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This morning she said, “Mom, remember when Nina was in your tummy yesterday?” I replied, “Well, I had her a year ago.” Audrey’s eyes got wide, she knelt in front of Nina and said happily, “Nina! You were born!”

More December 2008

The setup – middle of the night; me laying on Audrey’s bed with her. I picked at something on her cheek.

She asked, “What is it, Mom?”

“I think it’s a little pimple. Go to sleep.”

Wide-eyed, she said, “Mom, what’s a pimple?”

“It’s just something people get on their face from time to time. No biggie.”

“You know what…I went outside with Mona (her teacher) and I fell, and a pimple flew on my face.”

Me: “Ah, of course. Now go to sleep.”

***************************************

Last night, same setup. Audrey is now picking at her pimple.
“Audrey, stop picking at the pimple.”
“It’s not a pimple, it’s a booger.”

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Setup – Audrey wants Michael to play catch with her in the living room. She makes him wear a baseball hat.

After a couple of throws, she says, “You’re not very good at this, Dad, we need to do something else.”

December 2008

“Mom, why am I wearing this shirt?”
“Because I picked it out and it’s cute.”
“But I wore it last week! I can’t wear it again.”


“Mom, I wanna be Edward Scissorhands for Halloween.”
“The movie scared you, Audrey, why would you want to be him for Halloween?”
“I’m not thinking of the movie, Mom, I’m thinking of the costume.”
5 minutes later, she said, “I don’t want to be Edward. Nina can be Edward Scissorhands.”


She got in trouble at school for telling her teachers “no,” so I sat her down for a heart-to-heart. I basically said that she couldn’t tell her teachers, parents or grandparents “no.” She said, “ok, Mom,” then left the room. She returned 5 minutes later and said, “I can say ‘Thanks, but No….?”

I replied, “Only when the request is food-related.”

Even More February 2009

In the car, she said, “Mom, I want $5.”
I said, “I’m not giving you $5, Auddie, but I’ll give you some coins.”
She said, “I want them for my piggy bank.”
“What are you saving for?” I asked.
“A watch for your birthday.”
I said, “That’s so nice, Audrey, thanks.”
She said, “Yeah, but I’ll have to ask Dad to give me a ride to the mall because I can’t drive.”

__________________

She also said, “Mom, I want another Scooby Doo (show).”
I said, I don’t have another one taped, Auddie.
She said, “Well, we can go to DST.com.” She meant PBS.com because that’s where she goes with michael to play Arthur games. J

More February 2009

Last night Audrey was writing her name on Valentine’s cards for her class.

“Mom, this is gonna be a GREAT Valentine’s Day. I’m gonna rock my show.”
I laughed and she said, “You have to rock your show, Mom.”


This morning I told her she’s going to the Disney Playhouse thing this weekend with her friend, Julia. Auddie replied, “Oh, yeah, I saw that on TV last week!” (she was referring to the commercial)

As she’s taking off the shoes I just put on her, I say (exasperated), “Audrey, put those shoes back on!” She wrinkles up her nose and says, “Don’t be so crabby, Mom.”

February 2009

About it raining on Sunday…

“Oh no! I don’t want my pretty head to get messed up!”

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Audrey last night…

Nina, say “Audrey”
Nina, say “dog”
Nina, say “cat”
Nina, say “wine”

(Aunt Holly and I were having a glass of wine at the time)

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And this morning…

Me: “Did you sleep all night in your own bed?”
Auddie: “Yeah. I had a rough night.”

More March 2009

Audrey and Nina were drawing on the concrete with chalk.

Audrey: “I’m drawing a picture of you, Mama. Do you have a big head?”
Me: “No!”
Audrey (dead serious): “Yes you do.” And she proceeded to make an exaggerated circle.

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Last night, she was writing her name. She said, my name isn’t Audrey Laine Turner anymore. It’s Audrey Laine Turner SUN.

March 2009

While shopping with Michael for a “prize” she picked up a wand, waved it around, then put it back. She said, “I don’t want it.” Michael asked her why and she said, “it has too much magic.”

Passing a ball field, “Audrey, do you wanna play baseball?”
“No, too crowded. I’ll play in 4 minutes.”

And the topper this morning…

“Mom, if you do bad writing today at work, you can use my Easter eraser to erase it.” (and she handed me her new eraser) Then she added, “But don’t write that I bite kids, because I don’t. I’m a nice girl.”

More May 2009

Auddie and I were at the video store last weekend (Sat night – it was busy). As she walked up and down the kids/family aisles, she suddenly said loudly “Mom! There’s the movie you like!” I knew what was coming…I cautiously peered at the cover in her little hands and …yep…it was “Bunny House” (about a Playboy bunny tossed out of the mansion – no, I haven’t seen it, but I did know the basic premise of it). At that point it didn’t matter if I denied that it was my fave movie – I got the knowing looks from other grownups. So I slinked back into the kid movie aisles.


In the car, Audrey said “Mom, my boob hurts.” I looked at where she rubbed and it was her armpit. “Are you sure it isn’t your armpit?” Auddie, “When we get home, can you doos that thing Daddy doos to you?” (as she makes the shoulder rubbing motion with her hands). I said, “yes.” She replied, “Cause that’s what Daddy doos to make your boobs feel better, right?” Can’t wait for her to offer that to her teachers at daycare.


And now for some short Audrey-isms…

Armpick = armpit
Doos = does
Graduation = congratulations (as in “why did Grandma and Papa go to a congratulations?”)
Gerbil-ing = drooling

AT: Dad, are you going to get the mail?
MT: Yeah, why?
AT: I don’t want you to ‘cause it hurts my feelings.

May 2009

The set-up: Audrey and Nina are playing around the kiddie pool, I’m sitting nearby. Audrey tries to pick up Nina and put her in the pool…Nina, of course, screams

Me: Audrey, you let Nina get in at her own pace.
AT: (scrunched up nose) What’s “her own pace?”
Me: It means let her get in and get wet when she wants to – not when you want her to.
AT: Oh, so you were speaking Spanish.

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Audrey: Mom, can I have some of those bracelets on my teeth (she smiles wide and points to her teeth)?

She meant braces.


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I’m driving, Audrey is in the back. I mutter something about a “stupid driver.”

AT: Mom, you’re not supposed to say that word.
Me: Oh, sorry.

1 min later, I mutter “thank you” to another driver.

AT: Good job, Mom. Very nice.

More June 2009

About swim lessons…

“Mom, next time you sign me up for swim lessons, make sure it’s the class where I don’t have to go underwater.”

“Going underwater hurts my feelings.”

And she’s obsessed with weddings…

AT: Mom, I’ll buy you your next wedding dress.
Me: That’s nice, but I’m not getting married again.
AT: Why?
Me: Because I’d like to stay with your dad.
AT: He’ll be invited.

On the way to swim lessons the other day…

AT: Mom, why did you have two girls in your tummy?
Me: God wanted me to have girls.
AT: Who’s God?
Me: (oh, geez) God is Jesus’ father.
AT: Who’s Jesus?
Me: We’ll ask your dad to explain it tonight.
AT: because you don’t know the answer?

About Michael’s job…

MT: I got a different job, Noodle.
AT: Are you cleaning? (in her mind, he went from firefighter—because fire trucks are at HAMMER—to being a janitor)

One evening…

“Mom, feel my bones. They’re strong because I just drank milk.”

June 2009

Last weekend, I heard Michael upstairs, asking the girls why there was a bunch of pieces/strips of toilet paper all over the bathroom floor around the toilet. Neither confessed and instead pointed fingers at each other. It happened a second time and still neither confessed.

Then last night, while Michael was putting Audrey to bed, I noticed the downstairs guest bathroom door was closed (and Audrey had been in there earlier). I opened it and found a meticulously constructed “toilet seat cover” made of toilet paper squares. She’s seen me do it enough times in public restrooms that she thought it best to start doing it at home, too. I took a picture, of course.

When she went in this morning and discovered I’d taken it off – she was not a happy camper.

More April 2009

She wanted me to push her on the swing… “up to the sky”

I pushed a few times and she said encouragingly, “That’s it, Mom. Good job.”

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She slept in her bed all night, so she called Michael this morning to get his congrats. She said, “Dad, now I get a BIG prize. Will you take me to the Dollar Store?”

She’s so his child.

April 2009

The girls went to my friend, Jonna’s, house yesterday. Her boyfriend was there and the four of them hung out for a while. Audrey asked her later, “why does your boyfriend spend the night here?”

Jonna’s response: “Oh! He doesn’t.”


Audrey asked me yesterday morning how babies got in mommies tummies. I said, “God puts them there. Now buckle up – time to go to school!”

More February 2009

Last night…

“Mom! Look! It’s the bright wishing star!”
“Cool. Did you make a wish?”
“Yes.”
“What did you wish for?”
“A computer.”

January 2009

“Mom, will you turn on Scooby-Doo for me?”
“I don’t have any taped, Auddie, and it isn’t on.”
“Pleeeeaaase...I’ll give you five dollars.”

January 2009

As I’m unloading two kids, two backpacks, two lunch boxes, coats, hats, gloves…and a partridge in a pear tree…from the car at daycare…

Mom, what’s this (it was a tampon)
Oh, we’ll talk about that later
Is it a prize for me?
No, we’ll talk about it later. It’s for grown-up girls.
Can you eat it?
No. We’ll talk about it later.
Why’s it a secret?
It isn’t a secret. WE’LL TALK ABOUT IT LATER.

Then I ignored her follow-on questions about it.

February 2009

Yesterday, Audrey, Nina and I were walking back from a friend’s house. Audrey said excitedly, “Nina! You’re walking like a person!”